Not everything is in past tense yet.

Viewers have come and gone but the church is almost full and we sit tight.

I know moms mind runs with memories

she tells us in the car.

too tall for life.

too big to lose.

the preacher said

45 to 2.

and the car crash

spinning glass

Johnny flew out the window

Steve couldn’t speak for weeks

The other boy didn’t die in that car crash

Another one

on the road out of port deposit

his leather belt was all they found

a stern warning to us all. Don’t drive too fast. This life will stop you short. too short.

I think they all would have survived, happy together

if there was no car crash.

no noon call

no bloodied limbs

torn flesh and empty bodies.

No “this is the biggest funeral we’ve ever seen” and state police escort to the cemetery.

No stuffing foods down moms throat and too many strangers in her home.

They would have all survived.

in spite of pop pop

nanny

together but separate.

Mom remembers when he came into her room

livid

she got close to the 4 pained window

if he reached out and stung her sweating skin she was gonna bust out that glass and touch the sky.

But instead I haven’t seen my cousins in 20 years

my whole life

and today, despite the tears and tongue crunching agony, there’s stories of the happy through the tears times.

So the preacher finishes with stories of her

too much love to live

too much faith to finish

Nanny

always Nanny

But until we meet.

We’ll make you proud.

you and mom

dust to dust

ashes to ashes

I hold the faces of the past in my blood

You keep me pumping

you keep me pushing

despite tears and tongue crushing agony

despite too broad grins and sunshine in summer joy