This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, the most pain, the most shame, the most fear.
I’ve lost any identity that I had built up inside myself and projected outwardly
I know it’s time to rebuild myself, to change it all and to be new
I can’t be what I was, there’s no going back or trying it again.
I never anticipated things being what they are, I never understood the gravity of what I was doing and how little I understood what leaving everything behind meant.

I never thought, that I would hear the bitterness in his voice, aimed at me.
I could picture his face, I know how he looks when he talks about people like that.

His kind eyes evaporated

But it doesn’t change my future, he doesn’t have to be kind to me ever again, that’s his right.
I still have to morph to my new reality, I still have to be something more, with him, or without him.
And not for him.
And not because he is bitter towards me.

For God I guess.
Because it’s all him anyway, it’s nothing that is good in me, it’s only the good in him that can drive me

I just can’t lose it this time…not again

I probably don’t make any sense