i've read that falling in love is a beautiful feeling.
like lying down on a made bed after a long day
where you feel all your hours of stress disappearing.
similar to the first sip of coffee in the morning,
the taste of bitterness as a mere substitute for an instant serotonin.
some say it's like taking a breath of fresh air after staying inside for so long,
with wind blowing and the chirping bird on the branch getting along.
a few compared it to a freshly washed laundry,
soft, warm and oh so heavenly.
i pictured it'd feel like the comfort and serenity that rainy day brings,
knowing you can stay in bed, rolling around while staring out the window, or up the ceiling.
he said that love is when you think about them and smile,
finding yourself needing to see them all the time, almost like a child.
my mother said it's in the way you can't control yourself,
because everytime we're around them, we would want to keep them to ourselves.
my father told me that it's like eating your favourite food, especially knowing when it's free.
a neighbour told me that the feeling is so unique,
when getting a kiss on a cheek buckles your knees weak.
i heard that you could conquer everything, and anything.


but they never told me that love can be painful.
like accidentally holding the handle of a boiling ***,
temporarily forgetting that not only its body, but the handle could be hot.
or like the heart-wrenching pain that i didn't know one could feel, so much so that it gets hard to breathe.
they said it'll get easy with love, as you will have someone there with you all the time, any time.  
but they never told me that it's easier to feel pain, knowing and watching as the one person that always had your back be the one who leaves you behind.
they never told me that forgetting is harder than remembering.
with remembering,  you would only recall parts of things.
forgetting? detaching yourself from something that exudes and evokes so many emotions?
how do you forget something that's been engraved so deeply?
they never told me how much effort it requires to get back up, that not even a rainy day can't bring the comfort and serenity that companies it.
they didn't tell me how hard it is to control the tears from coming, again and again and again.
they certainly didn't tell me how hard i had to beg
curled up in my blanket, just to forget.


i figured i have to feel it firsthand,
maybe then I'd understand.
for now, i'll just note it all down,
I'll vicariously learn through someone.
i promise my mother to look out for my heart,
not to give it carelessly to someone who could tear it apart.
before i give it my all, before i deeply fall.
for now, i'll let life takes its own role.

- kimin