Aug 2013
I used to love the emptiness I'd feel. I welcomed it with open arms as it poisoned my thoughts, my feelings; turned everything grey. In those days I would pride myself in being irrelevant, and unresponsive.
My walls were built carefully, intricately. They forged a labyrinth that even I didn't know how to solve. I would slam the door in the face of reality and scream at it from the other side. Drowning in my own cries, I became unfamiliar with truth and suspected everyone of false intentions. I would subconsciously shut people out, believing them to be liars. I'd been fooled a time too many to make that mistake again.
Before, I'd let people in without so much as an invitation. I found that to be dangerous and my heart has had trouble trusting ever since.
Guarded, I was safe from failure, from disappointment, and even from growth. But I wasn't safe from how dim everything felt, and how numb I became. No good could ever come from such despair, at least nothing too real. The pain I'd feel, if I felt at all, was hushed and forced to sleep. With this, I made myself suffer, I tormented my hurting brain. I caused it hell, buried my soul, just to disguise my pain. I was broken and under permanent construction. Just short of emotion.
True happiness doesn't happen unless you risk taking down the walls and letting people in. I found this out the hard way, but from it I learned that there are genuine people in the world. I can touch them and unlike figments they won't disappear. From learning this, I was glad I'd been wrong. Thinking had become a dangerous pastime. I stopped. I began doing more and thinking a little less., and when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone different. No longer did I see a lost, pathetic girl. I saw strength, passion, potential. I even saw a glimpse of a faint smile.
I began to converse and reconnect with my friends, apologizing for my absence and aloof behavior. The ones who welcomed me back without hesitation I realized were the ones who never stopped caring. Those who demanded an explanation weren't as kind, and after I explained myself, they dismissed me. Instead of being wounded by the people who turned away from me, I focused on the ones who stayed by my side, even when I didn't know they were there.
The moment I learned that there are people who care, I made it my goal to try and not let them down. I've fallen off the wagon several times, and I have no doubt I'll do it again. What keeps me going is knowing that the love my friends share is strong, unconditional, and everlasting. Love is hopeful. Love is a wonder. Sometimes we know exactly what it's capable of, and sometimes we are rendered speechless by its awesome power. If there's one thing I know about love, is that it fills you up and it's always pouring. Even if you don't recognize it, or know who it's from, love is always being sent somewhere to someone. That being said, I hope that I can be responsible to love those around me unconditionally, and always.
My walls were built carefully, intricately. They forged a labyrinth that even I didn't know how to solve. I would slam the door in the face of reality and scream at it from the other side. Drowning in my own cries, I became unfamiliar with truth and suspected everyone of false intentions. I would subconsciously shut people out, believing them to be liars. I'd been fooled a time too many to make that mistake again.
Before, I'd let people in without so much as an invitation. I found that to be dangerous and my heart has had trouble trusting ever since.
Guarded, I was safe from failure, from disappointment, and even from growth. But I wasn't safe from how dim everything felt, and how numb I became. No good could ever come from such despair, at least nothing too real. The pain I'd feel, if I felt at all, was hushed and forced to sleep. With this, I made myself suffer, I tormented my hurting brain. I caused it hell, buried my soul, just to disguise my pain. I was broken and under permanent construction. Just short of emotion.
True happiness doesn't happen unless you risk taking down the walls and letting people in. I found this out the hard way, but from it I learned that there are genuine people in the world. I can touch them and unlike figments they won't disappear. From learning this, I was glad I'd been wrong. Thinking had become a dangerous pastime. I stopped. I began doing more and thinking a little less., and when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone different. No longer did I see a lost, pathetic girl. I saw strength, passion, potential. I even saw a glimpse of a faint smile.
I began to converse and reconnect with my friends, apologizing for my absence and aloof behavior. The ones who welcomed me back without hesitation I realized were the ones who never stopped caring. Those who demanded an explanation weren't as kind, and after I explained myself, they dismissed me. Instead of being wounded by the people who turned away from me, I focused on the ones who stayed by my side, even when I didn't know they were there.
The moment I learned that there are people who care, I made it my goal to try and not let them down. I've fallen off the wagon several times, and I have no doubt I'll do it again. What keeps me going is knowing that the love my friends share is strong, unconditional, and everlasting. Love is hopeful. Love is a wonder. Sometimes we know exactly what it's capable of, and sometimes we are rendered speechless by its awesome power. If there's one thing I know about love, is that it fills you up and it's always pouring. Even if you don't recognize it, or know who it's from, love is always being sent somewhere to someone. That being said, I hope that I can be responsible to love those around me unconditionally, and always.
