Jun 2021
And now I am here, standing in line, in front of a big gate.
A person in white or in black, always shifting between form and color,is talking to a woman, holding a giant piece of paper.
I look around and see some more gates and tunnels, caves and holes, stairways going up, stairways going down.
One line starts where it ends and the people in it just take a step forward in a circle.
I can barely see another crowd, not humans but dogs standing in line, paper sheets between their teeth, talking to a golden retriever with glasses and a pen.
"You are next" said the ever-shifting person and as I step forward it turns more into a image of a person.
Nose, ears, lips and warm eyes as well as hands and a barely visible human body covered by white fabric.
It turns out to be a woman but a part of my mind knows that my imagination make it to a woman.
Whatever this is.
"Hello" I said.
"Hello" she answers.
I am standing there, quite a bit nervous as I had the urgent feeling to fill the silence.
My eyes look upward, not focussing on anything special, just avoiding the person in front of me.
I start to swing back and forth on my feet, just like I always did in situations like these. Getting into trouble, avoiding conflict, school presentations. The presentations were by far the worst.
As I swing I realise that there are persons in line, waiting to stand here and I look back.
No one is here, no humans, no other ways, no dogs.
This would be a lot better with a dog on my side, I am thinking, as I look around in this white shifting cotton world.
A light fresh breeze is going through cotton world, swirling the clouds around.
Something is scratching in my hand and I realise holding a giant paper in my hand, looking like a Post-It from my refrigerator.
- first heart beat: check
- first walk: check
- riding a bike: check
- driver license: check
- school graduation: check
- getting married: check
- ....
The list goes on and on, kids, friends, family, the small things and the big things, every note in my life, some with a concrete condition to get checked.
- first walk (while every kid learns to walk)
- driver license (while everyone in school learns to drive)
- pass that one math test in 4th grade" (to get good grades)
- wear that one label t-shirt (to be like the cool kids)
- get in a relationship (so no one can judge)
- work overtime (so no one can judge)
- ...
The majority of other points just got the note "because they told you so".
Some points put a smile on my face: drawing flowers for my mum, get to the next level in my local boulder hall, taking time for my dad to chat about tennis, ...
I wonder where the things in my life are that went unchecked but they are not listed in here and I can't remember a single one by myself.
Anyway I am proud of myself, so many to do's checked and done!
With a good feeling, I hand my paper to the woman. She looked at me, read carefully and let the paper slide through her hands. And as it lightly floats to the ground, like no paper this size should do, it starts to flock and fall apart, until it turns into the white cotton around me.
At first I felt anger, then a sudden shift to a more calm feeling and then acceptance. It's gone, who cares. But my confusion was still high and so I asked: "Why?"
The woman smiled at me and starts to explain:
"You are caught by conditions and confront with rules people create for you. But there is only one "you" and these people are not you."
She looks above and so do I.
"These clouds are all To-Do's and important things we had to do in a urgent feeling of relevance. As you could read by yourself, most of these points are not really written by you, but marked by others on your mind and soul. And all that trouble that comes with it fades in the end."
"So nothing really matters?" I asked. (hearing a little voice in my head singing "tooo meee")
She looks me in the eyes and I realize that she is blind.
She says:
"I think you always knew what matters in your life.
Remember the things that comes in your mind.
The things you are truly proud of, the things that make the people around you feeling joy and love.
Take your time in life to enjoy it."
A person in white or in black, always shifting between form and color,is talking to a woman, holding a giant piece of paper.
I look around and see some more gates and tunnels, caves and holes, stairways going up, stairways going down.
One line starts where it ends and the people in it just take a step forward in a circle.
I can barely see another crowd, not humans but dogs standing in line, paper sheets between their teeth, talking to a golden retriever with glasses and a pen.
"You are next" said the ever-shifting person and as I step forward it turns more into a image of a person.
Nose, ears, lips and warm eyes as well as hands and a barely visible human body covered by white fabric.
It turns out to be a woman but a part of my mind knows that my imagination make it to a woman.
Whatever this is.
"Hello" I said.
"Hello" she answers.
I am standing there, quite a bit nervous as I had the urgent feeling to fill the silence.
My eyes look upward, not focussing on anything special, just avoiding the person in front of me.
I start to swing back and forth on my feet, just like I always did in situations like these. Getting into trouble, avoiding conflict, school presentations. The presentations were by far the worst.
As I swing I realise that there are persons in line, waiting to stand here and I look back.
No one is here, no humans, no other ways, no dogs.
This would be a lot better with a dog on my side, I am thinking, as I look around in this white shifting cotton world.
A light fresh breeze is going through cotton world, swirling the clouds around.
Something is scratching in my hand and I realise holding a giant paper in my hand, looking like a Post-It from my refrigerator.
- first heart beat: check
- first walk: check
- riding a bike: check
- driver license: check
- school graduation: check
- getting married: check
- ....
The list goes on and on, kids, friends, family, the small things and the big things, every note in my life, some with a concrete condition to get checked.
- first walk (while every kid learns to walk)
- driver license (while everyone in school learns to drive)
- pass that one math test in 4th grade" (to get good grades)
- wear that one label t-shirt (to be like the cool kids)
- get in a relationship (so no one can judge)
- work overtime (so no one can judge)
- ...
The majority of other points just got the note "because they told you so".
Some points put a smile on my face: drawing flowers for my mum, get to the next level in my local boulder hall, taking time for my dad to chat about tennis, ...
I wonder where the things in my life are that went unchecked but they are not listed in here and I can't remember a single one by myself.
Anyway I am proud of myself, so many to do's checked and done!
With a good feeling, I hand my paper to the woman. She looked at me, read carefully and let the paper slide through her hands. And as it lightly floats to the ground, like no paper this size should do, it starts to flock and fall apart, until it turns into the white cotton around me.
At first I felt anger, then a sudden shift to a more calm feeling and then acceptance. It's gone, who cares. But my confusion was still high and so I asked: "Why?"
The woman smiled at me and starts to explain:
"You are caught by conditions and confront with rules people create for you. But there is only one "you" and these people are not you."
She looks above and so do I.
"These clouds are all To-Do's and important things we had to do in a urgent feeling of relevance. As you could read by yourself, most of these points are not really written by you, but marked by others on your mind and soul. And all that trouble that comes with it fades in the end."
"So nothing really matters?" I asked. (hearing a little voice in my head singing "tooo meee")
She looks me in the eyes and I realize that she is blind.
She says:
"I think you always knew what matters in your life.
Remember the things that comes in your mind.
The things you are truly proud of, the things that make the people around you feeling joy and love.
Take your time in life to enjoy it."
Take your time :)
