Listen, I'm not saying I'm gonna **** myself.
Cause I'm not.
It's just fun to think of ways I could die.

Maybe a murderer could choke me to sleep,
Or a boulder could crush me softly.

A car could come veering and SPLAT!
I'd die today!

Could a bear rush from the woods
and make my head a pancake?

Or maybe Thor will strike me down
showing me that I was wrong.

Either way,
Either or,
Whether I die tonight,
From a stroke at midnight,
Or I live to see the morning,
And sigh cause no one's mourning.

I could...
Have a ******* birthday party
To be poisoned by my enemies!

Well that'd be a funny tale
To tell the distant relatives.

There's no way to know
Unless I spoke to an Oracle
To which he'd tell me that my fate
Lies in the gun in the garage.

For when a deranged hick
Comes barrelling into my home!
And sticks the barrel of the gun,
Right into my mouth.

BANG!

My eyes on the floor,
My cheeks on the walls,
My hair and brains decorating the couch.

Either way,
Either or,
Whether I die tonight,
From a stroke at midnight,
Or I live to see the morning,
And sigh cause no one's mourning.