wasn't a big deal when i was joking about it thought they'd never notice ha we'd ALL joke about it "it'll never happen to us" in the back of my mind, "it'll never happen to me" "i'd NEVER do that" heavens forbid no i'm a good girl yeah "who would do that to themselves" until the day the pain was to strong and the medicine wasn't enough and the blade wasn't sharp enough and not eating wasn't getting you skinny enough and everyone around you the one that said they loved you the most said they'd do ANYTHING for you now in your mind, the hypocritical ones telling you they could do nothing to help you while others walked away without understanding of what was really going on and you'd sit alone with the mindset that you'd go nowhere miserable wondering how you could help yourself without the support of no one else but reality of searching everywhere for someone other than yourself but not finding anyone else but yourself when you looked in the mirror and the only word you could imagine to describe yourself your self esteem your body your personality was hate went through your mind that you HATED every little thing about yourself brutal realization isn't enough you don't KNOW ENOUGH until you've HAD ENOUGH and come to the realization that the addiction tot he pain will always be enough because your prone to the feeling of what you know is the pain you LOVE