i belong to the beach
when i leave the house it’s my first occurring thought to go there
it might be the air that’s alluring me
or the waves which i love to watch crash
but thinking on a more spiritual level- it’s the deep sea that speaks to my soul
the big blue
the equivalence of my endless contemplation about life and what it consists of
for me- it’s all about love

this is the part when questions rise

who am i?
nobody’s first gossip call pick
dreamer without a real life
unsure if the soil i’m standing on won’t collapse under the weight of my thoughts
they’re dense and chaotic at times but the sea is chaotic too and it’s beautiful
after all i’m a beautiful person forever lost like a message in a drifting bottle
like a sweet love song that no one ever got to sing or hear
like a seashell of warm colors whose wanderlust is infinite
alas its horizon finite

who am i?
a metaphorical sailor steering his yacht for lifetime
who thought he’s seen it all
i thought i had all it takes to make it
but it takes confidence, determination and good instinct to survive in this world
but all i have is love
i’m human- i have a heart in my chest
i have feelings to cater and needs to meet
i used to desire millions and sports cars on a posh brick parking lot
a modern house hanging from a cliff with a nice view of the churning sea
and a wide balcony so i could spread my arms and catch the wind
feel like a sailor as free and wild as i thought i could be
now i just wanna belong to someone
i wanna be held like no one ever
i want my salty tears to be caught before they drop on my bed or sweater
i’d rather be forgotten than remembered for my broken dreams
if i had to live alone again i’d just rather disappear

vanish
in the waves
in the overwhelming heat of august
i dive in deep but return to the coast in the end
like a fragile seashell that i am

i get halfway undressed
i leave my favorite shoes pointed south
leave my loose flannel shirt on cause i’m not confident enough to go without
i forget the deafening burden and i forget the cursed clout
in the sea foam i look for me
i walk slowly towards the sea
till half of my body is in water and the other half in reverie
and then u come in
and everything goes the way i wanted it
i love u
i love ur wet hair
and how ur eyes reflect the sun
and i love the way u smile
and i need u here
i need ur guidance and kindness
otherwise i can’t be the real me

questions sink in quicksand
i’m as free as i can imagine

i belong to the music
to my all time favorite songs which i play and which i sing to feel free
to knock the weight off my shoulders
and i can’t even sing that well but i do it for me
i’m nobody known but i feel like a demigod on a lit stage
everyone is cheering for me
it’s all so perfect that’s it’s no wonder why i love to dream
and why i loathe reality
why am i stuck in this stupid country where i have to pretend i’m someone else?
i wanna break out
i wanna love u out loud
without having to check if someone’s looking over my shoulder
or spying on me
i wanna have real dreams not those that won’t come true
i want delusions to escape into the circulating air
my dreams stack till they reach the ceiling and there’s no room anywhere

so let me dream
let me live **** fantasy
if that’s all a tainted dreamer ever gets
i wanna be free and loved and respected and not declined on every step
i just wanna matter
i yearn for these things

what is the biggest dream of them all?
flying free?
it’s just about being loved

who is the king of my heart?
i’d say i am but i need to be lead through each and every dark tunnel
that i unawarely enter half awake
my boat is wooden and amateur and i’m still scared of drowning
in the vast sea of my troubled mind which is non-stop churning
crazily and frantically
and not leaving me alone
i am the one steering but i need a navigator
i need a lighthouse for a destination
i need a better sense of eight directions
i need to catch the wind in my sails if i want to swim away
i have a bad reputation
at least i can say i’m not afraid to drop everything and vanish
in the waves
in the warmth of summer
how can i be forgotten when everybody knows my name?

but after all
i belong to u
i’d give everything i have and i don’t have much to be with u
i want u to know
i did an unexpected one hundred eighty turn some time ago
i dyed my hair black in protest against what kept me submissive to my men
i hijacked a fancy boat and i took the wheel i’ve always dreamed to steer
and there i am
it’s a ****** that u can’t be here
i sent u a letter
did u open it?

did u feel my desperation on ur face like a gust of wind?
do u know u are the boat keeping me from drowning in this sea?
the present memory
the mirrored image of me in my true nature

captain
i’m condemned to sail for eternity
i’m afraid of what’s lurking in these waters and it’s killing me
protect me
people tell me i’ve come far but never ask if i ever wanted it
and they think i’m strong
but i’m nothing more than a waning flame in the open wind when i’m alone
i need my king
i’m thirsty for safety
i desire peace
two kings make a perfect kingdom so come to me and join me
and show me the way
teach me when to stay silent and when i can’t what to say
when to move and when to stop and where to go and what to avoid
i’m a realist
and i won’t make it on my own
i won’t cross this sea by myself
it’s giant but not as big as my love and that’s the last bit of hope i have

i belong to the beach
to the music
to someone i love
i have a purpose now and it’s the most valuable thing i’ve got

i have love
i have it
i love u
king of my heart