i
my father’s smell
has taken over
our house
a sour layer
pressing
into my nostrils
when I open the door

I don’t live here
anymore
now
I’m gone
he sleeps in my bed
to be close to my mother
     well    closer     than
the basement guest room
anyway
when she leaves
he crawls
into the bed that used to be theirs
and sleeps
on her side

I came by
early one morning
to pick up the last of my things
and saw him sleeping there
hugging her
pillow

I felt sorry for him
sleeping there
like that
my mother
never liked
his smell
  
she would be so mad
   if she knew




she
       tried
                so
                     hard
to clean away the smell
from their sheets
         their mattress



ii
I have a sister
we were born
a     year     a    part
when
she was little
she explained her birth
told people
I moved out and
she moved in

when
we were little
we would crawl
in bed with mom
when
dad was out
of town we would talk
and giggle
we would watch movies
and eat
in their bed

                              the three of us would be crowded
                                                      ove­r as much as possible
                                                      to­ my mother’s side
screaming and laughing if
some       one       strayed
on dad’s sour side







ii
now,
my mother sits
in my kitchen smoking
cigarettes (checking first
because I don’t smoke)
she’s telling me
about her
new apartment
she’s very excited about
having her own space
            her own things
her own smell

apartments never smell
exclusively of
the present occupant
                                                        ­    
she knows this
she means
she will be able to stop
cleaning away my dad

her new place
doesn’t have
a dishwasher or
a balcony or
underground parking
she really wanted a balcony
so she could send people outside
to smoke

                                                          ­she’s going to quit
smoking before she moves

I nod and wonder
who these people are
that she will be entertaining
then I laugh and
say that I wanted
an apartment with
a bedroom
but
we take what
we can get


iv
my dad has
a new apartment
he lives with
the cats that used to be ours

I choke
in his space  
(hold my breath) when
he hugs me
his smell has devoured
all the others
left
in this apartment
it frightens me

my mother’s apartment smells
like cleaning products
       cigarette smoke
       perfume

my father’s apartment smells
like
despair
he doesn’t want
to clean it
away