I am not doing this right tonight.
He asked me to write and so I am
But, ****.
Inside this coiled bitter empty now...
Resigning to cold unwillingness - I shall not try
To raise the drum of myself from hell, this apathy,
Knowing it means what exactly it means
To allow such a thing verbalized to stay being,
No, I don't take it back.
Such things so accelerate the dwindling of my beauty ever more,
But so what! I would scream, had I the energy.
I do not care of these, nor any other things.
Today marks my surrender to being nothing
Bleeding is open diembowelment of my heart
Quiet now, the songs it always used to sing easily...
I bet he is not even thinking of me, not even today.
Did he remember the date? Sixth day of the seventh month -
Where were we last year at this time?
Ah, I remember now: I was at home, with him -
When "home" meant him,
Oh how I miss those moments!
I still have the flash-flooded crying, it still releases nothing.
The echoing ever deepens here inside empty hollows of the me-shell...
I am Hell now.
Surely, I need not excrete with the likes of such drama as that -
I am simply shattered and crushed
And radio the coordinates of my position.
Rejected: I shall have the word boldly stamped with tatoo
Down the entire side of my left arm.
Seriously deflating me is the negativity feeling
I'm spending more of my moments these days-
Not surging with bubbling verve towards half-full perceptions;
But hey, it's o.k.:
I don't care, remember?
I said so just only a moment ago!
Get out of here now if  your intending to cheer me up
Or some other idiotic and wasted endevor -
No one will ever - whatever - be as clever as me:
Who waited 3 decades of blind wading thru
Sludge of countless pretender encounters
Only to allow the full expanse of her child-like heart and soul
Be entirely defined all too briefly by one individual, one mean man,
To become such a fool over that lying tool! I was schooled!
Never once was he what he had promised at the start.
Made me think he was opening up, had his heart,
That he felt love, love meant just for me!
And I believed.
Believed I was safe, handed him Once-In-Lifetime feelings
And he didn't even care nor accept it from me.
He just threw me aside absently, you see?
Wasted over a man not concerned for my anything...
My Lord, please: what to make of this thing?
I beg to have the end of this excruciating pain
The silence and having no closure, not getting to see him
PLEASE! Please, bring this throbbing desire to me finally!!
Realize now my dream of him coming for me.
In vain I do plead.
He looks so happy in the pictures I have seen
In my Quest of Obsession which constantly consumes my whole being...
I cannot begin to get over this thing.
I love him so much- but Ed never loved me it painfully seems.
& under this pain will the rest of my days ever be.
Eternally and insecurely I shall seek it to be!