i tried organizing what will happen next in the files of my trauma i am not allowed to get help for
erasing thin smears of white isolates death from your body
you are slowly being erased at the raise of my nimble arm
the memorization of the portrayal that completes the abstract thought of your face
becoming unrecognizable you might as well be dead
that’s what you threatened me with
deconstruction occurring in my head puts me in a tight spot
it’s spring cleaning and i’m hoarding the vague remembrance of your personality
i cling onto the last things i’ve allowed myself to remember about you
will i ever get rid of the may 18th that never seems to find and ending place
reoccurring and reoccurring when will it stop
i will never be able to ask what led you to ruining me
you’re stitched over and over into my brain in fear of the thought of you being ripped apart from the seems like i’m the stuffed ripped rabbit resting on my bed
are you resting sound on your bed as you push back the recollection that is me
the frantic calls and hopefully last goodbyes you would force me to endure
you had me bound to you just to leave me never knowing
it wasn’t my fault
i had to grow up before i was even grown save him from his own insanity
the life of a 15 year old boy was in my 15 year old hands
he was failed by the people who are supposed to keep him from failing
They didn’t care so i pushed myself into the place of those who study for the profession that is to pretend to care about our youth

locked in our screaming conscious empty bedrooms it’s began to sound like blinding white sound
They hold us down from our necks to wrists and ankles and tell us to give up, skin burning and peeling with every attempt at trusting ourselves with Them
but They do not care
They enjoy the burning scent of our embodied pain burning with the last brink of lucidity we are clinging on to
we are struggling and They promised to catch us if we fall but that was just to see who was foolish enough to let go
it’s in Their curriculum for the class They chose to
study to watch us suffer psychologically
shadows on the ceilings chase us and haunt us until we can no longer withstand the blinding unattainable light of hope
our piercing thoughts are meticulously eating us out internally
when will someone intervene to stop us from killing each other’s minds
the domino effect of which abused becomes the abuser, which manipulated becomes the manipulator, which messed up mind ruins the next
cannibalism amongst each other creating corpse on corpse
black blood splattered on the pavement that leads to the end of my memory
hanging crashing bulbs of conversation i cannot keep myself from repeating
crashing towers of guilt overpower me
my fragile 16 year old psyche has been tattered and torn
ripped to shreds it joins the torn pieces of my attempts
failure never seemed to not leave a scratch on my brittle bones
i’ve exhausted myself with the failed attempted of becoming your savior
“painting broad strokes of black brings blood to my head”