im so scared of the thought of you that i sit on the floor
knees burning
next to the toilet
so whenever you come across in a flash in my head i don’t hold it in
i want to throw up every last thing you did to me
make me forget
not the part of you hurting me
not your hands gripping my throat, tongue shoved so deep i could barely breath
not your hand on my chest
and in between my legs
but the good i saw in you
the way you let me feel like i deserved the warm feelings you brought.
here it goes again
the last meal i ate threatens my esophagus
time taken out of your day to listen to my anxious feelings.
im brushing my teeth again
introduced you to my safe place with out fear because i had grown so much trust in you.
i’ve rearranged my room and ordered new sheets because washing my sheets every time i remember isnt ethical
i told you the things that happened that made me so scared to do things.
you listened and you said you understood
but understanding wasn’t what you were what you felt what you meant
because if you understood i wouldn’t be sitting here gulping down the regret that you are