you ever read the words you wrote
and remember crying
hunched over a keyboard
a notebook
pencil in hand
wishing for ******* death
wishing for something to take over your body
willing your head to float
like you drowned
but you've been drowning your entire life
this year it felt like the ocean clung to your heart
with iron chains wrapped around it
like a snake coiling around you
choking you to death

you ever read the words you wrote
and wondered why you hurt so bad?
wondered why you're reading it again
because you know you're just going to feel the pain
over and over again

you ever read it again
out loud
feel the tar dripping in your heart
feel the blood leaving your body
in perfect little parallel lines
you ever read the words you wrote
just to feel it
to go back to illness
go back to anger
just because
all of that feeling is so much better than being numb