The love and hate that comes with abuse is hard to understand

there will be such happy moments shared with such passion and care
the moments I wish I could never leave

that time I laughed so hard seltzer shot out of my nose
burning what felt like my brains
how grateful I feel for her care in my education
the looks across the dinner table when my dad mispronounces a word


then there's the dark
the times my mother thought the best way to discipline me was with pain

the times she apologized with and embrace so warm but so fake because she was always just trying to make herself feel better for the bruises on my skin

then just like a record
hitting me again for struggling with an addiction that I've been fighting since I was six

She ignores my very clear and out loud depression
going as far as to blame it on the few things keeping me from swallowing those extra pills

keeping me closer to her lies
and further away from the happiness that came with ignorance

The same denial I know my father and sister are living
They don't experience my mother like I do

They've seen her rage fits but only intervene after it's too late
letting my head hit the wall
letting her rip off my socks and locking me outside during a snowstorm knowing **** well what she was doing was wrong

They themselves are too afraid of losing the good in my mother but forget that everytime she slips into the anger she takes away a piece of me

a piece of my trust
a piece of my individuality
my ability to speak up
a piece of my innocents


I wish I could leave
but I also understand that when I need her the most my mother will be right there by my side

She will pay for my first car
She will help with college tuition
She will listen when others hurt me
She will always give me a hug right as I'm about to break

She is always going to be here
her good and bad side will always be right here next to me