I hereby compile these words
representative of these moments
that I truly don't want to think of anymore.

I gather them here with the hopes
that maybe this can be my discard pile.
Just maybe they won't eventually loop their way back in
like the broken record I am.
Maybe my heart and mind can get
some long, sustained, peace
that's so truly ******* deserved.

I'll never forget the way my mom looked at me
after we just broke up
and you left my house for the last time.
"Oh honey you loved someone with your whole heart
and it didn't work out... I'm so sorry,"
she whimpered, eyes glistening with tears that wouldn't fall.

I'll never forget our "friendship"
that was essentially you expecting
the same emotional labor from me
with increasingly more conversations
centered around you and only you,
and heaven forbid if I tried to give you advice.

I'll never forget New Years Day of 2020.
My family's health crisis,
and your utter silence
or lack of any semblance of care for me.
Where were you, pal?
Later that same day my world would come crashing down
as that same day I learned of your true colors
and just how selfish and beastly they were.
How I recoiled when your handsome grin
turned to snarling fangs
when I wouldn't give you what you want
and how you tried to tear it
or manipulate it out of me
for the next several days until I chose
complete 'radio silence' from you
blocking you from every possible thing
as I saw no other option for my own health.

I'll never forget having to play music
every time I showered
in the following months
or my mind would just attack itself
going back through what you did
how it all went down, a play by play
again and again and again.

I'll never forget finally admitting to my family
that you reached out to me
with the most vague, pathetic, half assed, excuse for an apology
I have ever had the displeasure to read.
I'll never forget my older brother, so nonchalant,
saying
"Well yeah, he called you the love of his life so I kind of figured
at one point or another he'd try to reach out."
And the fun little breathless dagger twist  
I felt in my chest in that moment.

I think I just have to make peace with the fact
that I'll never understand how you can treat someone
as horrifically as you did me
and still sleep at night.
It's one thing to do what you did
but another to lie to me about it
and entirely another to do your due diligence
to try and villainize me amongst our mutual friends for it
when you and I both know all I sought was the truth
from you
and to stand up for myself.

And oh thank god I did
I wouldn't have survived your emotional vampirism,
on top of everything else I had to contend with in 2020.
I hereby submit what was 'us' to fade and die with these digital letters.
I continue on my path in hopes of finding and securing
a true love that lasts, grows and develops with me.