I stare at the tiny little dots of starlight that filled the otherwise dark bleak sky, here I sit on my mothers balcony, smoking and I find my brain begin to wonder. Thinking about what others might be doing right now. Some fast asleep off in dreamland others wide awake. Some falling in love, some experiencing heart break. I think about my grandmother... the reason for the trip to my mothers and I find my mind wondering to the inevitability of death. “The only thing promised to us in life” I’ve heard many say. Some times I feel so caught up in the thought of death and when my time will come I forget to live. Not enjoying and experiencing the moment the way I am meant to, the way I should be. I am trying to live in the moment “be present” but my brain is a spinning hamster wheel that never seems to stop, the thoughts spin and spin with no end in sight. I stare at the scars on my hand as I take another drag just another reminder how I’ve failed this body I call home. How I’ve tortured her and masked it as taking my control, how I’ve let her grow weak and pretended it was okay, pretended that I was okay. When I was younger I use to eat sunflower seeds whole with the hope a garden would grow from my body and I’d finally find myself beautiful and now I just want to be planted underneath the garden. I wish my existence to be silent like the flap of a butterflies wings not a sound made but here I stand throat raw from screaming for someone to hear for someone to help for someone to see the girl in the dying garden whose fading away.