That **** filled acknowledgment
Of being the *******
Knowing
That you're unable to to deny
Every lie you tell
The intentions that mirror justifications
The excuses that meant well only for personal gain
I'm not such a bad guy
I listen when others confide
Keeping secrets without though of using them as halos above my head
Or chains around others necks
My acts of villainy go as far as my glance of judgments go
Pretending to be above
As my thoughts are buried deep like roots on a rotting tree
I half heartedly tug and stay planted
Blaming the illusion of not having a choice
Staying
Stagnating
Spoiling
Others and their flaws continue to move forward
As I choose to stubbornly watch
Unable to change because I won't allow it
Denying the reality
That I ain't ****
But I want to be
Disconnected, without the guidance of words and social cues to guide me on
Friends only marked by longevity of knowing I exist at all
Too old to making any believable change that will stick
Too young to give up now
Stuck inside and between my fears and my wants
Taking the blame for once without being staked to it
Forgiving myself without keeping the guilt in my veins
Progress is not wanting to bleed them out
When that was the obvious answer many times before
How can I change?
How could I leave myself behind for another alternative?
How do I let myself go free?
Now I know the truth of myself
Theres no way to tell
If there's more pain in change
Or just hanging around