so maybe there will never be an explanation for why i am the way i am or what’s made me the way i am but i believe it started when i started believing i wasn’t enough or that i never could be it was somewhere between the stairway to the top and the life that led me there i realized how twisted my ways were how i had no clue where to go or what would get me there it was when i jumped on the train that took me on a tour of crooked and all the way around how it’s supposed to be that i saw it from the outside but the way back in hasn’t opened and i’m left on the outside lonely and afraid and maybe i’m wrong to believe anything will ever get better and maybe i’m afraid that things will never work out the way they are supposed to but i keep replaying the scene in my mind where i’m in the water and i scream to you with a surprise but i never kissed you how i should have and every time i see you splash into the pool i can’t help but think about what i could have done and what i should have done and how much i miss your sweet smile and your gracious body and how you held me like you’d never let go and i guess the movie replays over and over with the creamy sound of your voice breaking the air and my heart forgets to keep pounding because i never stopped loving your voice or your eyes i never stopped loving the way you held me on that day that seemed like the end of everything and i never can stop loving you no matter how much i try to throw myself at other guys no matter how much i try talking myself into believing how cruel you can be but nothing can ever get my mind off of your sweet lips against mine and the memories we should be making and how in a parallel universe you and i are happy forever we are forever and always have been but that's in a parallel universe and in this one you won’t look at me and i can’t stop looking at you my three a.m. thoughts consist of wondering why i can’t love anyone the way i loved you why you won’t let me out of the trap im stuck behind the bars of you and can’t find an escape there’s no way out and i’m starting to become claustrophobic but that's beyond the point that’s in the middle of the mass destruction surrounding everything i was and had become everything i ever have been it was the madness the fabric of my life tearing apart and where to start i have no idea but i need to tell what story i have left the truth of the story very little even stands in my twisted head and maybe this will be the hardest story i’ve ever told but someone has to share it it must live on it must live on.