Feb 2021
I don’t like lying
The sensation feels as dense as lead
Like the batteries have been removed
Not because they’re dead but due to the cowardice to tell the truth
In the hope everything will be better when I pop them back in
A tactic I try whenever my laptop decides it wants to spend the evening frozen
I’ll admit it’s an easy option
When my head’s filled to the brim with various energy drinks
Thinking wrongly it can correct how I’m supposed to think
Instead they just keep me awake but surprisingly it always works
Well, until the day it doesn’t
Don’t worry though it’s no skin off my back
I’ll just put that down to the fact we’re confined to the unpredictable outcomes of fate
And I’ll never shake that feeling
Because I understand everything that’s loved eventually snaps
It’s just unknown when I’ll be exposed to the inevitable traps of grief
That lay hauntingly in situ
The ones that are designed to be hard to detect
To novices like me who spend a lifetime trying to connect unsuccessfully
But if somehow I sidestep them and stumble upon a serendipitous encounter
In a moment accompanied by a rousing leitmotif
I’ll know I’m only moments away from an uncomfortable meeting with the dark depression
The old but frequent enemy I’ve fought so hard to keep at bay
And with hearing this for the very first time
I’d be fully understanding if your instinct were to turn your back and run way
I can see the blind panic that’s arrived in your eyes
With a clarity so pure it could be eidetic
And that’s before you find out I’m totally non-functioning without taking Tricyclic
A glue like substance that’s so far prevented me from falling apart
But to my surprise you find the courage to say…
“I’d take your cancer and digest it whole
Paralyse myself from the neck down
If it meant you wouldn’t leave me all alone
It might sound selfish and maybe a little morbid
But what life will there be left for me?
If all my loves and dreams have been thwarted
Like a mindless kick to the stomach
Any sense of future prosperity would be aborted
Before, I only saw life in black and white
Like I existed solely in somebody else’s shadow
Until the day I met you
Where I drowned in the colour that flowed from your soul”
Wearing a tear and a faint smile I find myself finally catching my breath
Like the weight of a ten tonne truck has been lifted from my neck
Never before have I received empathy as sincere
Your radiance emanates like a first edition in a book store
Somewhat neglected and fragile but undeniably beautiful and pure
And I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you here
Making sure I never relapse, making sure I avoid the traps
The sensation feels as dense as lead
Like the batteries have been removed
Not because they’re dead but due to the cowardice to tell the truth
In the hope everything will be better when I pop them back in
A tactic I try whenever my laptop decides it wants to spend the evening frozen
I’ll admit it’s an easy option
When my head’s filled to the brim with various energy drinks
Thinking wrongly it can correct how I’m supposed to think
Instead they just keep me awake but surprisingly it always works
Well, until the day it doesn’t
Don’t worry though it’s no skin off my back
I’ll just put that down to the fact we’re confined to the unpredictable outcomes of fate
And I’ll never shake that feeling
Because I understand everything that’s loved eventually snaps
It’s just unknown when I’ll be exposed to the inevitable traps of grief
That lay hauntingly in situ
The ones that are designed to be hard to detect
To novices like me who spend a lifetime trying to connect unsuccessfully
But if somehow I sidestep them and stumble upon a serendipitous encounter
In a moment accompanied by a rousing leitmotif
I’ll know I’m only moments away from an uncomfortable meeting with the dark depression
The old but frequent enemy I’ve fought so hard to keep at bay
And with hearing this for the very first time
I’d be fully understanding if your instinct were to turn your back and run way
I can see the blind panic that’s arrived in your eyes
With a clarity so pure it could be eidetic
And that’s before you find out I’m totally non-functioning without taking Tricyclic
A glue like substance that’s so far prevented me from falling apart
But to my surprise you find the courage to say…
“I’d take your cancer and digest it whole
Paralyse myself from the neck down
If it meant you wouldn’t leave me all alone
It might sound selfish and maybe a little morbid
But what life will there be left for me?
If all my loves and dreams have been thwarted
Like a mindless kick to the stomach
Any sense of future prosperity would be aborted
Before, I only saw life in black and white
Like I existed solely in somebody else’s shadow
Until the day I met you
Where I drowned in the colour that flowed from your soul”
Wearing a tear and a faint smile I find myself finally catching my breath
Like the weight of a ten tonne truck has been lifted from my neck
Never before have I received empathy as sincere
Your radiance emanates like a first edition in a book store
Somewhat neglected and fragile but undeniably beautiful and pure
And I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you here
Making sure I never relapse, making sure I avoid the traps
