wrote about the way the ghosts that used to haunt me convinced me to carve into my legs and purge my stomach of everything rotten
years later, i read it again. and again.
in every word i see you.
i see you and what you did to me and how you treated me.
you tried to ruin my soul, dehumanize every bit of me,
and i tried my best to help you with it by cutting it into smaller and smaller pieces.

was i complicit in my own destruction?
i made my decisions.
you dug my grave but i chose to lay in it

i took the drugs you supplied me and i thought that it gave me love.
you let xanax do the talking when you told me you loved.
you didn't you didn't you didn't.
and honestly! i didn't either! i tried to but i didn't.
but i cared when you didn't.

i'm tired of thinking about you.
i'm tired of trying to figure this out.
i didn't deserve that.

i was complicit in my own destruction
you dug my grave but i chose to lay in it
until i didn’t