I want to love without the consequences
I want to be held without the heavy lifting that’s required
I think I read too many books, watched too many movies
My mind plagued with pretty scenes of romance and effortlessly witty exchanges
I do not dream of you; I only edit my preexisting script to fit you neatly into it
I wait for you in all the wrong places,
Wandering through the supermarket,
Looking for you in my rearview mirror,
Thinking that when our eyes meet, I’ll feel as though I finally have a purpose
I do not want to love, I only want to be saved
For someone to hold my hair back as I sit on the bathroom floor
To hold my hand as if we were made to be forever interlaced
To hold me together from collapsing in on myself, like a long-condemned cave that even the most adventurous had given up on
I love the idea of you, but I’m not so sure I could love the real thing
Always too close or too distant, too much energy and far too many expectations
I am messy. Rough around the edges. Sharp, venomous, and never quite sure about anything.
I am surrounded by a cloud of grey, made up of my morals and my desires – and what means I use to get them
I’ve proclaimed myself the tyrant of the lives around me
So I’ve decided it’s a burden to love and to be loved
And it is a Herculean feat to endure one without the other
I’ve decided that you deserve the world and I deserve to be trampled by it
Yet I still long for you to be trampled alongside me