it was only after you hurt me, after you sat back and watched me burn up in the fire you set, only after I spent so long desperately trying to stamp out the flames, overflowing with love and letting you soak up every bit without ever saying "eventually, I am going to dry up, eventually i won’t be able to extinguish the inferno you’re feeding", it was after I lent you my time and guidance as if I was a library with no return policy, it was only after I watched you take and take and take, and i filled you to the brim with encouragement, love, letting myself become empty, it was only after I built you up to be a tower stronger than any architect could design, after I let you watch me crumble, never once stopping to pick up the rubble, or better yet, after you brought the wrecking ball, it was only after I stayed and stayed and stayed, only after I became the mouse when all I ever wanted to be was a lion, after I allowed you to accept everything I had to offer as if you were a God and I was merely a lost and broken child who needed nothing more than just one blessing, it was only after you convinced me that I, someone so frail and unworthy and naive, could not survive this harsh world without you.

it was only after that I understood how a hiker who is trapped between a rock and a hard place can have the strength to gnaw off their own arm in an effort to survive.



a.m.