A legendary sweet tooth, had Lady Felicity Barratt So swift towards the sugar bowl, so wary of the carrot She dined on only trifle from a honey coated spoon But tooth decay accosted her and left her in a swoon
By the time she turned just twenty, her two front teeth were gone By thirty she was running short and on her final one When that fell out, she sought a dentist, promptly one arrived She opened up her grizzly mouth and in the fella dived
He took a cast and took his leave with dentures to be hewn With satisfaction guaranteed by Friday afternoon And never did the lady have a reason to suspect The secret intervention of an evil dental sect
By bribing several bakeries and sweetie shops and stalls A dossier had been compiled within their sacred halls For crimes against good dentistry were nothing short of sin Their retribution must be swift or people might join in
They cast her teeth from coffin nails beneath a devil's moon With Jack the Ripper's upper set, extracted from his tomb Then polished with the handkerchief of ******'s former cleaner Stored in Machiavelli's purse, to make them all the meaner
Upon that self same Friday, at the very cusp of noon One Doctor Bingo Rogers and his burly hired goon Came knocking at her premises with dental kit and drills With a mission to sedate her and to exercise their skills
They knocked her out with ethanol and chloroform and air And strapped her to a hastily erected dentist's chair The evil teeth were lodged in place and ******* into her gums The bill was quite extortionate, for monumental sums
The shamanic orthodontist, with his henchman in his wake A martyr to the vegetable and nemesis of cake Was keen to see his handiwork and kept a watchful eye For curious occurrences, as days went slowly by
By Christmas there was nothing, until on New Year's Eve Her teeth got uncooperative and forced the girl to leave They dragged her by her dainty face and led her to the shops She stood and munched on sugar canes and giant lollipops
They stuffed her face with chocolates, still nestled in their packets And then a rack of nylon shirts and seven leather jackets On every size of shoe, she munched; from sixes up to twelves She nibbled through the party food and gnawed upon the shelves
Then off she sped, into the street, to pursue a passing horse Dragged along by wicked teeth and supernatural force But dentures lack in vision, and especially at pace So when she caught it by the foot she caught it in the face
She skidded to a grizzly halt with arms and legs all twisted And next to her, a note with all her dental errors listed So beware the wrath of dentists and obey when they command And sleep with one eye open and a carrot close to hand
For though our poor Felicity was buried good and hard Despite floral cupcake with the Dental Cult's regard And though her body, to this day, lies safely in the ground The horse escaped that evening and the teeth were never found...