When I told you I was better When I said I never relapsed When I said the scars were healing When I said the food stayed down When I said you could do the same When I said it gets easier
I lied.
I still cut and avoid food Like the plague I still cry at night And there's nothing in the mirror I don't hate
I still feel ugly And hate the colour Of my skin I still pinch at my stomach And feel so obese
I still say I'm 'erotophobic' As though people want me I still tell people I'm straight And that 'I love God'
I'm still ashamed I still blame myself I still deny anything happened I still believe I'm telling the truth
I'm still paranoid I'm still afraid of everything I still feel weak I still have panic attacks
I still want to be held I still pretend I like to comfort I still pretend I'm strong I still pretend I care
I still throw up And my throat still hurts I still smoke And it still doesn't help
I still have rampant thoughts I still hate conversation I still feel inadequate I still pretend I like my poetry
I still try to write my stories The words no longer come to me I still try to create a family of friends I still can't abide the noise enough To make it work
I'm still bitter I'm still violent I'm still unhappy I still fake everything I do
I'm not really okay. Not really. And I wanted to say 'I'm sorry,' I lied.