i keep putting these tiny little pills in my body,
the doctors say it will build a wall between me and worry.
with a little vaporized courage, the days grow shorter,
and my thoughts grow long and languid.

i reach into myself with eager hands;
a child trying to grasp onto every tiny treasure
with reckless, manic joy.

i miss those sticky sweaty lethargic nights,
when we would drink wine in the yard,
and both scheme quietly of how to touch,
sit just right,
justify a kiss on the neck,
forgetting that silence is a deadly giveaway.

my eyes bore into you, frustrated
knowing i had not stopped and could not stop
myself from loving you, not from a thousand miles away
and not with your face in my hands.

we are cold,
we bike together in silence and winter makes us short
and dry
and unsweet,
and i try to remember your face from a few days ago,
and i can’t.

when the sun warms us up again,
warm up to me.
love me like the pounding in my stomach that tells me
in your absence,
that tells me i want to live
forever and ever and ever.