I gotta tell you
it ******* ***** to
be stuck in this
******* pattern
year after year,
relationship after
meaningless relationship

let me tell you
how much i hate
that i have this
ability
to convince myself
that i'm in love,
when really,
i'm just
not lonely
for once.

But i get somewhat attached

to you
              to your skin
to your smile
             to the sound of your laugh

to that magical scent
that makes me feel like home

and let me tell you
(pardon me while i contradict myself,
i am drunk after all)
how it is excruciatingly
painful
that i love you.

and i have no idea
how that ******* happened

because just a few
months ago
i was at a place
in life where if you
told me you didn't want to speak
to me anymore,

i would have been just fine.

But as the circumstances
stand( while i fall down)

My heart
                 is sliding
down a wall,
leaving a trail of
blood.

And i want
so badly
to slide a blade across this pathetic white little wrist

but i can't
because people would freak out.
so instead

i drink as much as i can
to stop feeling things

and i sob quietly
so as not
to disturb
the sleeping people