I wake up wishing that every day will be filled with sunshine
Instead of being blessed with my wish, I'm cursed with this feeling that eats me from the inside
Making others smile makes me smile and feels amazing knowing that I put that smile on their face but why does it feel fake?
Why do I feel like they're just faking that smile?
Did I upset them? Did I do something wrong?
Thoughts will rush through my head and they won't stop
No matter how much work I do, the thoughts won't stop
Seeing people sad or unable to be happy makes me feel like I don't deserve happiness
What's happiness when others can enjoy it?
Just thinking about failing someone breaks me
And just when I thought my heart was getting back to being whole, it shatters
And this time?
I deserve it, I deserve to be in pain, I deserve to suffer
Even then, slowly breaking each day, I will still put on that smile and tell others I'm okay and still try to make them smile
Because helping others is my sin
It's my atonement for being selfish
Is it not?