I see the whites of your eyes
Through the blur of my tears
I feel your hand wrapped around my throat
As you pull up my shirt
I feel my heart stop as you hold both my ankles
I see the pink and yellow sky
Fading to dusk
I feel the cold shudder of fear run
Throughout my body
As you wrap the hem of my shirt over my eyes
And your fingernails dig into my kneck
I feel the rush of panic as you pin me down onto the sand
Making your way throughout my body
The one that I never wanted you near

All those times I told you no
They meant nothing to you
As you held me under
My head in the surf
And the salt burning in my eyes
And I couldn’t scream
When you ran your hands down my body
And I choked on the sand
And I didn’t tell anyone
Why would they believe me
When even I didn’t believe myself.

It wasn’t what I was wearing
It wasn’t what I was doing
It wasn’t who I am
You wanted control and you took it from me
You took my autonomy
I can’t forget it
But I can’t remember it
It’s everywhere and in everything
You took my passions from me
You took my time
You took my energy
And you took my will to live

And I had no idea
I shoved it so far down
I didn’t even know
I didn’t know what was torturing me
I don’t know myself

Tell me
What is worse
Going insane for no apparent reason
Or knowing how people have hurt me
I can’t escape the torture
It’s always there
Replaying in my mind
It’s like I’m always drowning
I’m back where I was on June 6th

Andrew W.
1-26-20