I finally figured out why it was so hard for me to love again after him

I always said I wanted to find passion without abuse
but what I didn't realize is that I actually confused them for each other

I wanted so badly to feel again without the bad parts
but what I didn't realize is that without the bad parts
the good parts wouldn't have felt as great as they actually were

I wanted to feel the same way he made me feel without the abuse
but what I didn't realize is that you can't have one without the other

what I felt for him was so intense
it was so deeply rooted in me
I wanted that
and I couldn't understand why I kept failing to find it again

when I did find someone who reminded of that feeling
instead of embracing it
arms opened wide
I ran
confused by my own decisions

I asked myself "You waited this long to find someone you could love and the second you find it you ruin it, why?"

I didn't realize that what I spent years looking for was the feeling I could only feel while being in an abusive relationship

I didn't realize that a normal, healthy relationship doesn't make you feel that way

and that's okay

You should be able to love someone without having to feel everything so intensely at all times

You should be able to feel comfort and content without thinking there is something wrong with the relationship

You should be able to have passionate days and normal days and bad days all mixed together without thinking your relationship is doomed

Because a normal relationship is not like the movies

and it is not like what I experienced 4 years ago.