I’m sitting here, the same way that I have sat for years.
But now I’m fighting a different demon.
April 4, 2005 (my mother’s freakin’ birthday) is the day, morning, the sum of all my fears.
The second attack; worse, much worse.
No words just empty bottomless fear.
No sleep.
How long can I handle this??
I tried handling this and yet here I still sit.
Staring not sleeping, lost in too many memories.
I have no words to explain myself, nor can I escape my need to.
And you wonder why I live in fear?!
To taste anything but the sick taste of them would be a welcomed escape.
To see anything more than the blackness that they showed me,
To hear something other than my own screams,
Or to even so much as SLEEP!

To close my eyes without searching the silences for any trace of sound,
To lay in the darkness of my own bedroom and not shake from fear.
To know that somehow there is SOMETHING that I can do,
ANYTHING to find comfort in the arms of my husband and to know that he is here.
To be close with him and not worry about some other man invading my head,
Make it stop **** you, please?!
Down me, choke me, **** me, do something!
So that I don’t relive this hell every moment.
Every waking moment.

-Marie