How many have asked me:
Why do you have so many walls?
Never they received an answer.
For you my dove,
I'll answer.

I have walls, to divide. Divide what? Me, from myself.
On one side, there is one me. On the other, her.
On one side, I am vulnerable. On the other, fearless and arrogant.

My walls are there, to provide her with complete protection, to make me feel less vulnerable.

I like my walls. They used to be my friends.
I built them, experience by experience, word by word.
Memories used to be the glue, to keep them upright.
Fear kept the spikes atop sharp.
I feel protected inside my walls.

Until someone came along, knocking at my walls.
I want out, out of these walls.
But I am locked inside my own prison,
of these blasted walls.

I cut myself off from the world, for so long.
Relationships with many suffered.
I suffered, alone inside my pretty walls.
Standing between hundreds of people,
I will still feel isolated.
While she will be the centre of attention.

Many have come knocking on these walls,
with prayers, with words, with lies, with gifts, with hammers.
Many have failed.
Until that someone came to my walls,
and they slowly disintegrate,
with nothing but a presence, a kiss, devoted love and understanding.

I badly want to trust, but looking through my prison bars,
she will not allow me to trust.
She has kept me safe,
for so many years.
She is scared to let go.

One day, she is my friend, my old beloved friend.
Then, she is my prison guard, beating me down, keeping me here!
One day, she will either entice me and ******* me to stay forever.
Or, I'm going to find an escape and blow this joint!

Is connecting with others so bad? I want to connect with you.
Is having no pain so bad? I want to be happy and pain free.
Is forgetting all the old so bad? I want to live in the future, with you.

So many things have happened, that causes her to lock me up.
She is trauma, never revisited. She is controlling and I never saw it.
But she is giving me more leniency, it seems.
Maybe one day, when she meets you and sees how safe I am,
maybe then she will set me free.