I mention me being in therapy during my Gender & Women's Studies Class zoom
And there's silence
A very long silence that leaves me wondering 'are people judging?' 'are people piting me?'

There's no good answer

My teacher changes the subject and I'm left feeling guilty
For wanting to get better
For wanting to stop hurting myself
For wanting to understand why my parents abused me

I wonder how many teachers wonder what I do when I turn off my microphone and camera during zoom
I'm not checking my phone or I'm camera shy
I'm crying in the basement
No one upstairs in the house can hear me
No one in class can see or hear me

We're in small groups now
I fear people can tell I was crying
There's another silence
And this time it's sadder than the one before

My friend 'it's okay i go to therapy too'
I say 'i know'
I'm left wondering why no one said anything
Why there was a hushed silence?
Why was I supposed to feel guilt for something that's not my fault?
That's never been my fault?