Let me tell you guys I'm going through it right now. So much been thrown at me and I'm still so young. It's so unreal. Some days I don't even know how I can wake up and get out of bed. Depression is really kicking me in the ***. It's like once I think I'm getting ahead I get pushed back 10 more feet. I feel like I'm suffocating. Why do everything bad happen to me? What did I ever do to deserve it?

From losing the best guy friend that I knew half my life. I never thought he would do me the way he did. The same dude that would throw hands to another guy for talking to me the wrong way. The same guy that I would lie for. Straight up throw my hand up and fight for. With no questions asked.

The same dude who I loved so much that I stayed up at night crying worrying about him all the time. All because I had a gut feeling he wasn't good. The same guy that mama trusted her 12-13 year old daughter being out at night till 2 or 3 in the morning with. The same guy that Mama fed and cared for. The same guy I thought I'll have a life with. Now all that is dead and gone 13 years later.
It makes no sense at all. The history, the love that we had just gone like that. why? I want to know why? How can he hurt me so bad that I am to the point I no longer want to know who he is? Just want to erase everything between us. The past 13 years. How could I have been so blind. I used to think I wasn't good enough for him but thinking back. NOW I see he wasn't good enough for me never was never will be.

See this is what I think been going on. I have just been the chick he fall back on. I've been the chick that he has so much history with. That he just didn't want to give it up. So he kept playing with my emotions and my feelings. He kept playing games with my head. Telling me that he loves me and I will always have his heart. Telling me all this **** that I wanted to hear. Just to keep me around but deep down he really didn't care for me. Deep down he didn't love me. If he did he wouldn't make me cry. He wouldn't let me stay up at night wondering why I wasn't good enough.

I get it back in the day we was young and guys like to play games. We are grown now so what's the excuse. Now I'm not saying that Chris never loved me or care for me because  I'm sure at one point in life he did. Its just things changed between him and I. That's something I can't ignore because the Chris I knew would never do this. I spent so much of my life loving him and caring for him. Crying and writing poetry for him. So afraid to let him go. That I might miss my shot. That a lot of relationships didn't work out because of it. Not anymore. I'm not saying I don't love him any  more. I'm not saying that I don't care because I do. A part of me will always but the Sammie that he once knew is gone. I'm no longer going to wait around.I'm not putting my life on hold for him anymore.

I guess you can say I'm over it all. I'm not going to wish bad luck on him. I wish him well I hope he finds happiness. I hope he never puts a girl through what he has put me through. These are my final word to him. I'll see you in another life

So now back to me. Not only am I having nochoice of letting go of a guy who had been a big part of my life. I lost my best female friend. Thought this girl will have my back no matter what. I was blind with her too. She ****** me over  so bad. That I don't trust no *** now. I gave an arm for her.  Got a tattoo with her. That's how real I thought our friendship was. Come to find out. It was all just an act. Everyone tried to warn me about her. I just didn't listen. It's okay though. I ain't mad at her . I got the tattoo off of my body. Got it cover up and I got her out my life. To her I don't wish her bad either.

I hope she learned that she lost. Someone who is down for her. Who stood up for her and would do anything for her. I never switched up on her. When I should have but I learned my lesson and that's okay. I just know if she keeps *******  over her friends.  She's going to be one lonely person. So I'm only going to ask is. Why? That's all I want to know is why? I hope it was worth it all I really do.

I'm even going through it with my ex. He put me through hell and back. ****** me over way too many times. The whole time I was with him it was nothing but lies. I couldn't see it. I didn't want to believe it. I ignore all the signs. Never  thought he would do the things he have done.

Taking loans in my name without me knowing. Scamming me and everything else.10 years of friendship and 2 years of my love I gave him . I wasted on him. I never left him. Even when many people told me I should. So many people try to warn me about him. People who didn't even know him just knew of him.
Everyone warned me down in South Carolina . I didn't listen I believed what he told me. Did what he asked of me. I was happy down there. Thought it was like a dream come true. I'm not going to let that hold me back. I'm not going to let it break me. His day will come and I honestly can't wait. I can't wait for the day he burns. Everything will catch up to him. That I promise him. Now I see why his ex don't want his son in his life. So Adrian I hope you enjoy it while it last. I'm coming for you and I'm giving it all I got. This is not over yet. I can't wait to see your face in court with hand cuffs on. Its going to take every inch of my body not to spit in your face.

I know this is long enough so I'm going to end it. I just had a vent and trust me it helped a lot. I know my questions won't be answer but it feels good to let it out