Expound upon your idea

I recognize the tired eyes, the fading light, the manic battery and the desperate, clinging plight, that even I am giving up on me, when I look back and see a...
mistake like a tear in the fabric of my old green jacket, I'd pull it apart until I could slip a fist through the eye of the needle needed to repair the damage, the shell I come out of, the truth is I long to bury the hatchet but I've held on to some grudges so long I get within a hair's breadth and then I can't hack it, I take another log for the fire, chop it and stack it
I know peace is an option, I could achieve it and maintain it
but I'm insatiable, there's a volatile pull, there's insecurity in the wiring, my outlet
is draining, it pains me to say
there's something wrong in my brain
that when everything is just fine
it's just not right, that means something is going to go horribly wrong

I don't think I could utilize speech effectively, or write well enough, enough times to ever explain

That I am a button for rock bottom trap-door astonishment,
I am not a glutton for punishment, there's something more that loves to fight and prove your
investment, your time and emotion, is all a waste, I'm a trashcan Adonis in a recycled establishment
I need to prove that no matter what real good I actually do, I am a double negative, there's nothing I can't; I'm no good for you
that's why I circle back around like a confused vulture, pecking at my own living carcass before I go back to ground like an ashamed, sad clown, because I will captain and drown a relationship
I identified love, a necessity, a red flag thread, a wire to a suicide vest that almost set me off
and I cut my own heart out, detonated it, the fuse behind my eyes is a live wire, the sparks don't fly once the dynamite is lit

It all comes down to duality, hypocrisy, evil and me

Mischief, you probably think that means pranks
think in terms of death to the invulnerable, okay, thanks
somehow, you never want to be the way you are
I find with remorse, it waits to bite until things go too far
and these ideas penetrate my thoughts like venom dripping on my head
resulting in the comeuppance, another defeat, loss, personal humiliation, self-appointed proxy-given scar
I try to lie to myself about it all, that I'm going to do better, be better, change, reshape and restructure
when it seems I'm the sliver of a tooth away from sensible goals, a man I can be proud of, a conjecture whirlwind sweeps me with hindsight and conjuncture
preying on the weakest, softest sides of my wounded, pitiful pride, until I need to snap this rope and act like all along my hands were tied
and with no regard or respect, no honorable or honest intentions I will destroy and employ tactics that are somehow meant to reassure me of my reputation
the resulting aftermath which is always beyond the worst of imagination, destroying all realms their bridge and leaving alone one sickly mind with ice in stolen veins, ****** red eyes, hands washed in the void-river of time in gravitation, a creature whose humanity is stored and fired to fill this vainglorious vessel with precious vanity, having deceived all, achieved naught, and bought with its soul, sold on its personality, solely the lie of being a person, hollowed out by devastation, held hostage by its need for attention, in self incarceration, a slave for approval, for validation.