The Temoignage

At the end of the dream, I am kissed by the sun,
The shivers of hesitation course through my body and my pupils roam not around the room,
My pupils roam for a purpose to kiss the sun back and awaken from Saturdays recovery,
In another moment I dress as comfortably as possible and stare into the mirror,
I search the eyes of someone I do not recognize,
Someone I cannot recognize because though they are me but they believe in something,
Something I cannot touch, see or hear therefore it must be evil.

Slow but steady I traverse the sidewalk towards “salvation”,
I fear that when I arrive at my destination my resentment would be noticed,
Though it  is a place of worship I want to feel only the presence of people rather than God,
The entity they all believe will one day return but has always been present.

Sickened I walk with a dizzying mind, A confused heart, and a distressed voice,
My tongue is locked in place as I am greeted with kindness,
My ears and body resonates with the gospel and the powers of belief,
I sway and I waver in my anti-Christianity but remain distant and unwilling,
Unwilling to give me to the entity,
Driven by loss, hate, and abandonment I seek only love from someone real,
Someone who can touch, laugh, and speak by my side,
Someone who is a friend and a finite source of love.

Amidst the lecture, I wonder if the entity laughs and breathes as he has “made” me,
Dizzying even further the pastor questions our devotion and feeds us interpretations,
I waver more or less and decide to zone into another atmosphere,
My focus is inevitably drawn by the chandelier that lingers and sways above,
With each glance and glare, the light brightens and warns my already blind eyes,
I shoot my eyes back down to the lips of the speaker and aim my pupils around the room,
Once again I’m in search of something very unclear but near something unknown to me,
The situation is similar to trying to find a flashlight in a dark room with something else present.

After each scan I sense something bubbling and become fearful,
I escape to the bathroom and try to turn on the water but the faucet fails me,
I look up to the mirror to see red eyes failing to hold back worry,
Just yesterday my friends and I were becoming inebriated  in attempts to touch you,
I came ever so close but lost consciousness,
A feeling of doubt and disappointment lingers even today and I wonder how much I can take.

Coming back into the audience a face appears along with a voice and a body,
My body now is in a state of shock,
My feet weigh down,
My breath escapes but doesn’t return,
My eyes shake and notice the ground moving closer,
The person catches me in her arms and asks me how I’ve been,
The question and the nickname together gave only the most miserable of people a smile,
Tears drench her shoulder as I am unable to hold my head,
I look at my grandmother with such hurt and pain to answer her kind question,
I tell her “he’s questioning my faith again”...


I awake in a room with a sun kissing my face…
I then wonder with tears in my eyes…
If I should kiss back...