Did you prefer her perfume over mine?
Bare vanilla shimmer.
Was there a softness to her that I didn’t have?
I had a sweet tooth for broken guys.
Maybe I made you feel strong.
Would you have loved us both forever?
If I never thought to ask for “more”
I never knew who really was the other woman
You loved her first,
but I loved you more.
We were caught in a whirlpool,
but I would have drowned for you.
I’m still coughing up water,
from the last time we kissed.
Did you take my fire home to her?
Did you burn her down with the matches you used on me?
Did you ever call her my name?
Did you think of me while she was in your arms?
Your reasons were so desperate,
begging me to stay
Even when you wanted me to go.
Your promises came with asterisks.
You wanted me... but only sometimes
and honestly, not for forever.
I learned to lean into the chaos,
into your roller coaster of emotions.
I thought that loving you
was worth losing myself.
Idiotic fool.
It’s been six months since I spoke to you.
It’s been 4 months since you tried calling last.
I’d like to think
that I’m finally clean.
But a small part of me misses the madness.
The colors.
The secret language.
I miss the feeling of falling in love
for the first time.
But it’s not supposed to feel like drowning.
A.