Sometimes I ask myself,
What am I doing?
I wake up unintentionally at 4 in the morning
And I finally feel truly alone
It feels so nice to be alone
But that’s when the appraisal of my life starts
All this feeling of— this doesn’t belong
Remember when I used to have that feeling all the time?
All those years of I don’t belong here?
And yet I stayed in those places that felt confining
Until there was no other choice but to leave
And when that time came
Like a blessing from heaven
Grief was welcomed,
In it’s transitory glory
The slowness, the stillness, the savoring
Of saying goodbye
The opening, the excitement, the jubilation
Of starting over again, of being freed from my bonds

Now I feel it happening again
I’m resisting it, like I always do
But life, she’s kinda funny
Sometimes she takes away my ability to choose and makes them for me
Because she knows I like to sleep in
She says ‘rest for now, but I shall wake you up again soon’
And the soon is coming, I can feel it
Like I can feel the coming of change in season
I love summer, I don’t want it to go
But fall is in the air, there’s no turning back
And winter is well on her way
The anticipation of change is swirling through the air
I’m trying to make plans
But I know life will have her way
She knows better than me
She knows I’m scared but also knows I can take it
All she wants to do is expand me
And for that, I’m grateful.