If I was braver
I'd tack a world map to my wall
and put a pin
in all the places that scared me

little yellow and green dots
that show me
how little I know of the world

and I'd go to everyone of those places
slowly,
through my lifetime,
and stay for a little
or a lot
until I could remove
that coloured dot
off the map on my wall

but I am not brave enough
to wake every morning
to a reminder
that I am afraid.

If I was kinder
I would leave notes
on sticky pads
with little lines of poetry
or things that remind me
of you

and I'd leave them where I know you could never see them
encoded into paintings that I hide in drawers
in languages that I know you don't yet speak

I'd fill books
with slanted lines written in blue ink
and sketches of your heart beat
and I'd keep my kindness close to my chest

but I am not kind enough
to love you
without wanting you to love me in return.

Maybe,
one day,
I will put up a world map
and put blue pins for some of the places that reminds me of you
and never explain it, even when you ask
and fill a little yellow notebook with my fears and doubts
and give it to you in a grey box
with a scarf or a sweater
or something innocuous.

and I will consider that a good start
towards wanting
without needing.