I wished I knew what you meant, the accusation after fighting
like a parasite, eating my retinas, I was blind
I turned my view back, further back inside, and I saw the guilt as plain as day that you were right, I was gaslighting!
Before I even knew what it was, what was wrong with me, I was a poison pill that collided with your life like an oil spill
and I could have left so many times, but I oozed back in to make you sicker still through sheer force of will
there's no forgiveness in my future, I am staring at a jury of myself
I have been on trial for so many wasted nights
chewing through brain tissue, nobody is home, but I left on these dull, blue lights
the worst part of me knows I didn't want to see
it took so long to come face to face with your meaning,
despite the clarity, my anger is a part of me
I accept your judgement for I am guilty
I named him and changed him, shuffled my actions under trickery
and played with the notion I didn't know my own identity
but it is no different than the explosive rage that lives in all the men in my family
I am a genetic failure, with the same predispositions
too late now, I know better than to extend another apology
my conscience is a dying machine, I have no naturally good inclinations
only self-interest and this numb and mundane suburban life of defeat!
I am in a luxurious, all-expenses-paid grave, watching my life go to waste from the most comfortable seat.