I closed my eyes today to meditate And of course the flow began That endless stream of words But this time is was of a different kind It was a strong rush rush of forgotten words that loomed over me And whilst still breathing I started sweating For it was the scent of an old world Those words Of rigidity and rust; rules and atrophy Layers and layers of shame
A world so deeply rooted; tied with a thick rope To the words that built it
I tried to get the flow of words to halter So as to not evoke the emotions stitched into those idioms Flooding into consciousness I've spent years toiling To create a universe sprouted from new words So what could this be but an utter attack on my new reality
But they become an outpour, the words This sort of multi-sensory experience…
and I'm fixed to them with glue To the fiery words like Tznuis, Bas Melech, Shidduchim That I'd heard all too many times Because I'm only a women The rabbis would tell me And my hands were meant for baking bread My ******* for giving milk Never really mine at all
And also the Tume, Trief, Off the Derech, Goyim Words that rang into my ears constantly Maybe because they were always said, or maybe because These were words I couldn’t close my ears off to hearing But I hear them again now even louder Painting a purity and an impurity An us and a them A superiority and racism Endless hierarchies
But then the good words began to flood my mind The Zmiros, Little Tzadikel, Kinderlech Words that built the sounds of my family singing The Love and shelter Joyous togetherness The simple Simplicity The words that know for real Mashiach will come
Then there were the greetings The Good Yontifs, Gut Vach's Because who are we but one large social unit Bound by the words we share And the Boruch Hashem's, Kneina Hara's Secured that the bad things don’t get too bad And the good things don’t ruin themselves
The flow of words continued Like a tragic comedy A bad and a good And a nothing and a everything The grief of a lost innocence; the shadow of brick walls
But I remembered that joy of breathing deep into my uncaged lungs Accessing a fresh new whiff of clean air
For I have built a world of new words A new vocabulary of Words like Mind, Body, Spirit ****** freedom Intersectionality, Sustainability Kindred Souls Unity Compassion Holding the Space
But what to do when the flow of an old world Built so powerfully by its words Strikes at me suddenly Unexpected And all the new words I've forged don’t seem to matter At all