Hello.
I would like to introduce myself
But I can’t find a name that suits my ever-changing existence

So let me try to explain

My name is Soldier
A name given to me by a person who’s far gone
But the name still sticks
Appearing at the bottoms of emails and nothing more
Leaving a smirk on my face each time
Giving myself that little piece of strength I need to press send

I do fight battles
Not those that people can see happening
But ones that stay nestled at the back of my mind
Hitting like waves when my guard is down
Drowning me in sorrows, loneliness, and numbness
Combated by nothing but thinly pressed pills

But that’s no way to earn a name
Given to those who selflessly fight for those around them
But yet maybe I do
Just in a different way
We all fight our own battles
Jumping in front of metaphorical bullets daily

My name is Confusion
Not only for the things around me
But about who I am and where I’m going
This past year has changed a lot
From jobs, to values, to mind set
Leaving me in a swirl of questions that only I can answer
But those are answers I do not have

I don’t know who I am
I don’t know what I will become
But sitting in this moment I know I won’t be the same me 5 years from now
So I try to take it day by day
Repeating the words that are now engraved in my mind
Don’t worry till you have to, right?

And on the days where that isn’t enough

My name is Changed
Wishing so desperately to stay where I am but wanting to go further
Waiting until I step too far
Falling between the cracks in my heart
Hoping to grasp onto something that will keep me from changing
Before I hit the floor and lose everything

At the back of my mind I always picture a room
Nothing there but boxes of old memories and mistakes of my past
A simple bulb hanging from the crumbling ceiling
One that people keep changing after I left it to burn out

I don’t always understand why they change it
But it seems that with the person I’ve become there is still a piece of something left
But I don’t see it
Blinded by the thoughts that race through my mind
Making me question more and more why I’m still here

My name is Vacant
Random midnight walks in unpleasant weather
Not knowing where I’m going
But feeling the urge to go anywhere but where I am
Freezing to the point of numbness but still moving forward
Using the numbing burn to distract my mind
The physical pain reflecting the pharmaceutical numbness coursing through my blood
Never fully feeling any emotion
Just coasting along
Enveloped in a security blanket I never asked for
Making the life around me seem dull
Distant
Teetering my being along the line between lost and found

I don’t know who I am
I don’t know what I will become
Searching for nothing more than the feeling of finally being found
Whether that be in the darkness of midnight streets
Or in the extended arms of family
Blood or found


Hello.
My name is Talia? No
Atlas? No
Ace? No
Riley
But that is subject to change
So don’t get too attached to it
Just like the person I am
Because that is subject to change as well
But maybe,
Just maybe,
This time I’ve found a name that suits my ever-changing existence

I’m growing
I’ve grown
And I’m not done growing
Just try to stop me
I dare you
Cause this is just my beginning