I.
In kindergarten arts & crafts,
a classmate called my project ugly.
Honestly, it looked like *****-
too much glue, not enough tissue paper.
But I should've torn up his artwork
instead of mine.

II.
In first grade, not knowing how
to process emotions, I knocked a girl over
when she kissed me on the cheek.
I also called her ugly. She wasn't
and I didn't wash my face for a week.
Her arm, broken from the accident,
was in a cast for much longer.

III.
In fourth grade, math stumped me.
I just couldn't master my times tables
like all the other kids. I broke
a pencil every time I felt stupid.
I seemed to have nothing but broken pencils.

IV.
In 1994, Jack Kirby died.
He created my favorite character, the Hulk.
I missed my opportunity to write him
a thank you letter for a hero I could relate to.

V.
In sixth grade, the school play:
it was just a small role but ****!
I wanted to be flawless, rehearsed relentlessly.
I got so nervous I threw up on stage.
Everyone laughed.
I earned the name Puke Face.

VI.
When I was 15, dad left us.
He explained that he found a new woman
to start a family that he could love.
He never apologized.
I punched a hole in my wall
wishing it was his face.

VII.
I should've tried to make more friends.
But I wanted more time for tv and comics.

VIII.
Despite diligent studying,
I failed yet another math test.
I don't remember hitting my locker that hard
but school fined me for destruction of property.

IX.
There will always be bullies.
I thought I deserved the teasing
so I didn't stand up to them.
Except one... sort of.
I killed his dog.

X.
My grandparents always wanted to see me.
I was just too busy or
they lived too far away.
Now I miss them and they're gone,
so much further away than they've ever been.

XI.
I don't think I saw my therapist long enough.

XII.
I should've started exercising sooner.

XIII.
Every time hunger ******* foresight
and I ate off a taco truck.
Would superman ever eat Kryptonite
because it smelled good in a corn tortilla?

XIV.
How long did members of the Manhattan Project
relish in their pride before the fallout of regret?
You are the most beautiful thing
I've ever been a part of.

XV.
Sometimes I just don't know how to cope.
Sometimes I just get angry.
I try meditation and yoga,
I try to find my Zen.
But like Bruce Banner something green
and ferocious rages inside of me.
Sometimes I need to smash.
Sometimes I need to feel your skull crack
beneath my knuckles.

XVI.
Rip the plaster off the walls of a temple,
it's still a temple, still holy
still beautiful.
I'm sorry for how these fists
try to redecorate your face, for the ugly
colors they try to paint over your beauty.
But maybe
if you weren't so **** beautiful
I could feel like I deserved you,
wouldn't be reminded of things I am not
every time you smile at me; maybe
if you were just a little bit damaged, I
wouldn't feel so broken.
I'm sorry for how my hands say I Love You.

XVII.
I should have never let you stay.
How did you love me?

XVIII.
I'm sorry that all I have are I'm-sorrys.

XIX.
We both thought you could make me a better human.

**.
I thought your tears could wash the monster off of me.