What haven't I felt in all the to do
radioactive anger, paranoid betrayal,
suicidal heartbreak, that I still writhe over you
general consensus is if given a teaspoon of faith I'll leap headfirst over heels in leave of my senses
I have seen happiness without this
this spineless need to be a codependent
it is my addiction, the root of my true affliction
to excuse myself I will blame someone else
so I built a community, with loving intentions
and looking upon my architecture, I see
happiness is a complacent echo chamber
where one is consoled and petted until their tears are dry
where one is assured and rests that way, with no resolution,
inner turmoil only needs be quieted, and the sniveling only turns to sigh
where the sparks of outrage and bitter cries for revolution
turn their heads in shame, conflict is a pursuit that upsets the status quo, oh no, and so, it is starved to die
there is peace at the cost of thinking with any form of fuel
there is sedated calm, nice and easy, no dogs bark, no fouls on the fool

Mine is a minefield mind of prolific hate that does proliferate
it seethes with time and quiet, while you wither in your comfort
I anticipate and scheme and plot, restless as I hear branches of thousands of ideas breaking off to riot
they sear like cattle brands through every conceivable outcome in my head until the pills I take to hold my skull together become my diet
the considerable effort that it takes just to go to bed is so much hurt, I debate in a court of pointlessness not to **** myself instead,
how can anyone alive sit still, even now I can feel blood coursing, boiling and forming a clot against me, my legs rot, my eyes are cracking like desert plains they're broiling hot, how can you be patient unless you're in a waiting room someone tell me please because I cannot!
Immediacy, anger, I had been so mad as that before
once
there is a sort of ethereal skeleton, like the spirit
mine was caught in a slamming door
and it would not be a revolving one, that I swore
so I took a pummeling through it only several times more
battered and broken bones, no scars to show for any of them but you
no blots on my psych report, no instantaneous remorse, death wishes from one retort
this whole timeline, it's what was never meant to be,
I hate the limelight, it even burns sour, striking me,
it doesn't really matter what anyone believes
what they don't know can fill my entire biography
it wouldn't grant me any relief,
to have to shoulder another minute of being your friend, it's too much responsibility

I've been as mad as I can bear
and as guilty as I'll get without going to a real trial,
I've gutted myself like a dead trout, and looked in those lifeless eyes
and asked myself what kind of man am I, but I've not let myself feel both good and sad for a while
I've been relieved and happy
I've pined so sorely, and been so sorry, and whined, and been sick with worry
and I've missed you, and wished you awful things and all the best
when it all comes down to it, I'm disowned, so does it matter what I say anyway
I just need to let myself feel the things people do when people go, and then this image of you in my mind's eye will be gone in a blink,
maybe then I'll know what it's like for the first time, in such a long time
to want to look back when I think.