You miss him. Yes, you do. Even though you shake your head and reassure your best friend laying on your bed that he’s not worth your time, you do. You miss him. And he wasn’t ever yours, that’s the catch. You miss the small grins, the surprised laughs, the crinkle his eyes made when he smiled at you. and through all of the pain that the world has thrown at you, all you want to do is talk to him. Lay under his 4 blankets and 6 pillows with him. Become him. Crawl underneath his skin and live there. he is so close to your heart, this insignificant boy. So close and yet you’ve never touched him like he was. The only time you brushed a finger against his you memorized the sensation. Your friend casually mentioned she saw his at the store. Bed bath and Beyond. Getting bedding with his brother. How can you explain the ache your heart felt at those words? The blind pain behind your ribcage at the thought of him? How your mind ran over and over the shy way he would meet your eyes? The way he nearly teared up talking to you about his old friends made your heart cave in on itself and all you wanted to do was hold him. He was yours, in that moment. In the office with the pool outside dark and nearly empty, all that existed was you two in that room nearly overflowing with ‘what-ifs’. Each conversation laced with secret meaning. And you will probably never see him again. And you act like it doesn’t hurt, because he was never yours in the first place, obviously. But in a way, he was. In a way he belonged to you, in those moments in the office. He was yours and you loved him, just a little bit. And you fall in love fast, you know you do. You create infatuations from shy smiles and you know you should forget it ever happened. But somehow you find yourself running a finger along the spines of your memories. Memories of him and his curly hair and the smile he gave you when you clapped excitedly or pointed towards the sunset or caught his eye from the pool. Because you miss him. And today is the first day of an existence without him. The panic that sentence induces almost makes you wild with recklessness. What if you text him? What if you tell him you want to see him before you leave? Will it hurt more? Will it be worth it? What if he doesn’t feel the same? How can you know? How can anyone ever know?