And with each breath, it felt heavier, the mind wouldn't stop racing. Sleep was a desire unfulfilled. All the pills in the world couldn't numb the darkness, all my attempts to be myself again. I was happy , very much content, but then I was not. It.was a ride for a lifetime, I was being ridden everyday, my emotions frail, all the negative thoughts bringing to the light one question. Why even exist?, When silence is the best weapon, why even speak?, When being different is a crime, loving someone of your own gender is a taboo, and marrying the one you love , a mistake. I tried being nice, I tried being gentle, I gave respect , expected it too. But no, it's more than that now. Everyone wants a piece of the cake, they will **** for it. And why shouldn't they. We have followed orders , now we want to give orders, we want to establish that rule, that standard.
I imagine myself as the bad guy, doing bad things, satisfying my lust for greed, treasures , wealth. It makes sense, because the good guy taught me not to abuse, always be kind , polite. Only thing is .... It's hard , it's ****** hard to be kind , it pains to see others succeed, it pains when others achieve dreams and you are there. At that time I want to break free. I am the one to blame , but i won't accept it. It's not me , it's my deepest desires , to once accept my dark side. Try on that mask which I flung aside. See the shadows which I make when the nights are no longer a place to run from, but home. For once, I want to let my chains cage me up. All my kindness I want to replace with greed, jealousy and a deep desire to win , and win big.