i know that when you eat 13 more pills than your body is used to, it will freak out and land up in the ICU where you will fight against yourself to stay alive. and that's no easy ****, i also know that when you did this the first time you were a lot healthier than you are now.

i know that last night i came to the most tragic epiphany ever. when i was a kid, i watched my mom turn herself into a puppet as a hand went across her face, fast, and i would turn my brain off into a different world. and then it became toxic. i began imagining the pretty little 80lb girl slicing her pinkie-wrapped-wide wrist in order to look pretty. and by 5th grade, i developed an eating disorder.

i know that if i wasn't abused, i may have actually stood a chance to make something of myself.

i know that i have an issue with denial around my anxiety and the crippling level of it. i know i'm downplaying. i know i hurt. i know.

i know that if i hadn't fallen in love with trauma and ******-up **** to make me aesthetic and pretty, we'd be in a different place.