you leaving the apartment we’ve rented-
the first place i’ve ever truly called home
ever since the night we both decided to runaway,
from the dead end town that claimed us stuck,
it was why i smoked stick after stick
allowing the nicotine to almost be a substitute
to how you used to fill the voids within my being
and the nebulas obliterating my existence
the sound of your footsteps sounded almost in tune
with a choir offering a song for a funeral
if every time i blew the smoke out
and as it disappears into thin air
i could forget the way you said my name
and how you told me you loved me and tucked me in
each night my nightmares would get the best of me, if only
but your memory is as evident as the corruptness
becoming more present in my lungs
just as i throw another pack out;
i wish i could hate you with such energy,
the kind that makes your body shake to the core
but it’s been my fifth cup of coffee for the day
and the tremors the caffeine give off are doing their best
in reminding me of the giddiness and excitement i got
whenever you’d hold my hand on all those dates ago
it only reminds me of how i still feel the same for you and always have
even during our biggest fights and watching you pack your suitcase
and holding those words back- my pride be ******
while your departure was made and your paraphernalia’s all that’s left, all the while everything’s still yet to sink in

and this,
refusal to get over the world we shared
and the plans that made their way up,
somewhere way up in the air before we could give life to them
and the dreams that somewhere two dreamers are now inhabiting together for the first time

repeatedly being with you in dreams each night
can’t ever compare to the sharpeners and the blades
that once upon a time claimed my wrists and my thighs home,
marking and leaving landmarks as red as the x on a treasure map
neither can lying down on the asphalt with my eyes closed,
taking flight just when a car slams its brakes
just in time before i could feel it run me over
cannot compare to the feeling of once having you but not anymore

how evident it is that my destruction lies within you,
-and even after that you’re still my favorite form of self harm