Look at all my missteps which have birthed hating
i swear the sweetest venom is a cursed craving
my brushes with love have made the worst paintings
i found the fountain of youth right when the thirst faded
i think it's obvious i became my first satan, so
God You're wrong for thinking i'm worth saving
Don't i make it obvious i'm broken and shamed
Eruptions that i can't move on the notions to tame
Thinking about my situation hoping for change
Knowing being more open means more open for pain
See how at times my thoughts are overwhelming
i can't block it when they scream out "we know you're failing!"
"Tell us now why you can't slow your ailings?"
"What you carry will crush you, we know your shoulders aching!"
i have never in my life felt more scared and nervous
Why show emotions that weren't prepared to surface?
i can barely find a smile and even rarer purpose
Any mistake means my mood flares or lurches
And you may think my walls aren't fair, but curses
But there's depths of my dark that do not care for searches
my anger explodes and i no longer care for surges
Ironic im yelling at You saying "i swear im wordless."
How long has it been i've been deprived of peace?
i have self harmful ways i've tried to cease
my life's a living hell but i provide the heat
im living with hate but can't decline the lease
i wish i didn't know how to disguise the beast
Any kind of hope is what i've strived to keep
But a failures what i am when described in speech
Dreams to arrive at peaks im now denied to reach
and i cant lie, i gotta admit that it's got to me
always being the perfect lesson for what not to be
Anyone else in my shoes could tie the laces
paying for mistakes is all i can buy with wages
let's be honest i'd never be the guy with praises
guess that's why i fail when i try to face it
Face i raced against my past and saw it get the checkered flag
i thought that i was it knowing i was never tagged
now i wonder if solace is something that I'll ever have
when it rains im poor and i see the weather's bad
i say i can't find the words when really im not looking for em
i say it's to avoid involving you in a crooked forum
You go asking your questions and i start shying from sharing
not speaking means you can't see how my lying is glaring
i shut out the fact i know your prying is caring
Only the paper and ----- know how im trying but erring
i have too many wrongs to feel right in my heart
i know a way to stop drowning but im fighting the ark
how many connections are you responsible for driving apart?
So far gone you're blinded by the light in your dark
My own criticisms have never felt constructive
A council of hurt i've watched my sins appoint
All of my actions have been so self destructive
But then again that's always been the point
i couldn't point to a time when i saw these habits begin
i wish different choices were made so i didn't have em to end
Lord knows not many of em were right for me
i never wanted what's become of this life for me...