There's a weight that releases my breath when I awake
an indentation, leaving a chest compression,
not too old, but my body is weak and I ache
to get out of bed is a mountain to climb,
and getting to sleep is the air growing thin
I can't afford to asphyxiate on someone else's dime
I'm living the slow burn of knowing where to begin
it's depression, waning and whining as it runs out of time

There's nothing for as far as I can see, which is a relief
every one foot in front of me, is one bad thing I've done before
put behind, as long as I can stay true to myself, I claim the belief
proudly, that evil won't make you happy, and I don't need a guide anymore
I can face this all, all alone, I'm not afraid to fall and never rise
I don't need an alliance built on reliance, I'll tell myself my own medicating lies
when I need that crutch, and I lean too much, I'll hold on tight to a mirror and look myself in the eyes
reminders of the pain and loss, the damage and the malevolent intentions
that I tore apart my heart by a well oiled machine of abuse, an ouroboros of my own invention
all my mistakes and suffering are acts of self-harm by my own machinations
I have been as sick as it gets, both sadist by proxy and *******
the cure is resilience and dignity, respect and pride; so to myself I raise my fist

I will subtract infinitum
look at me, I don't need them
I will defeat the tendencies and alluring notions
that call to me, echoing papers filing motions
override the system, go and self-destruct
go and hurt and know
everyone you love would be better if you gave up
they all tell you no
while you contort into a loveless malcontent
under the hammer of a conscience, trained never to relent
breaking every part of your character down to a simple formula, your dark mischiefs all represent
Evil makes you Happy
and you lay in a ball on the floor
Evil may make me happy, but it leaves me empty every time
I want to be a good person, but I commit social taboos and crimes
I am weak and depressed, an anxious egocentric insomniac
all my ideals are fantasies
evil may make you happy, intoxicating as escapism from reality
it grips your organs like cancer and leaves you hollow on your knees
with a reputation for begging to be let in once more, you cry please
your pain might be real, but they see alligator tears
and when you hit the bottom, the bottom even falls out
you must face a world of shadows by yourself, the greatest of your fears

With nobody but the memories
I could see my entire life with clarity
and the answer was plain, I'll take away the pain
all I did was act again in vain,
the future looming, I sought redemption
but there is no reformation,
I am seen as I have always been, no goodbyes
only attempts at temptation
I survived a black star day
and only so much later I face myself with only this to say
"Tom you have to take another step away
keep doing well, even when life is hell,
toe the line, progress one toe at a time,
are you ready?"