It was because I'd known you for years & years
Because we'd always had a tension,
Because maybe when we were young it was hatred
But as we grew older certainly it was chemistry

We kissed in the club a little and you invited me home
I knew what I was doing
You, if anyone, you could cure me!

You were to be my second
To me it meant something
Not everything, but something
Maybe closure, maybe clarity on my sexuality
I trusted you

As we walked you quizzed me on contraception
I felt so immature
You seemed to know everything, more about women than I knew
I felt stupid, and unsure and I ignored my flags because I knew you
The survey about the pill etc 
I imagined you were being cautious, caring even
But in truth it felt transactional, systematic - just your usual checklist for women

You gave me 2 options
2 options, and no more kisses
No touches at all.
I didn't understand either of the terms you presented
Rather than tell you, I chose the 'word' one rather than the number one  - 69 
You gave me my only options after my contraception quiz
You could never have known that I didn't understand - I was so inexperienced, embarrassed
I chose, I repeated your words and waited for what would happen next..........
No more kisses
It all became clear
The pain was unbearable
It lasted 3 seconds before I ended it
It really lasted 20 years.....

And then my parents, my teachers, my friends all spoke, all knew
My sister copped it at school I think
Oh but they would never know about the 3 seconds

And I can't even prove this was your fault either
Probably mine, probably that 1 friend I'd spoken to
God I wanted to hated you
Instead I hated myself
But I gave consent, to something I didn't understand
I didn't want to punish you for my silence
I was disappointed that we didn't kiss, didn't hug
Disgusting, uncomfortable but technically not abusive
It didn't mean everything, but it did mean something
I didn't feel safe, or warm - I wish you knew that

I went home
My father was in the kitchen
It was late
We credit my mother for sensing things
But dad has a strange knack for the big ones
He said very little - did something happen? Do you want to talk about it
I was too shocked, ashamed, ***** to speak, to tell my father what I had agreed to
I had agreed right?

My kind parents never asked me about it again
I guess I've left them to come to their own conclusions.
I only have my lame excuses.

The second time you brought me home
I didn't think about you
This was for me
I owned this decision
I needed this.
You were truly terrible, again no kisses no touches at all
but then so was I..... absent and angry 
But I wanted to control this, I needed to give full consent this time, to choose it
So I did
I had wanted clarity in my own sexuality, I got that too
I said yes, loudly and more soberly this time
To the normal, missionary, experiment - I set the only option!
Even if everyone else would never know, I would!
I decided. 
I joined you and left you quickly again.
I ended it again suddenly, but on MY terms
No shock, no pian, just a short & small *******

It's been 18 years
Of avoiding you
Of moving away from you or your family in cafes and bars
18 years, for 3 seconds of pain and a swift exit

Isn't this why I can never come home? 
A fine end to my childhood, to my reputation, a fine headline 
A final victory to this small town I've hated since I was 7 years old
Isn't this why I can build new relationships all over the world
But I can't look anyone from Irish small town in the eye
This became the reason they needed to talk about me
This was juicy, juicy enough to override years of good behaviour and reading at church
This gave them permission, finally.
Stuck up *****, is even more flawed than the rest of us! We always knew it!

And maybe I've no right
But I do hate you
Do my family wonder if I was easy? Did they hear it and think, she's up for anything?
In the dark, late at night, when work is hard, when I'm worrying over something
Even now
You're there
You don't deserve to be there
And you don't know you're there
You're my worst thought
And you still.......... creep
And I still feel exposed and filthy
I want to scream how I didnt know, how I fled
I want to tell my teachers the truth, my parents
I wasn't easy, I was just too innocent
Who would listen
Small towns prefer scandal, and it's so late now.